i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So here I am, sexting at work.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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