Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
