but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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