FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
