Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
