Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
