My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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