Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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