Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
