I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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