Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
