From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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