Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
