it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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