my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
