Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
