The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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