census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I look better un-naked...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
