Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
