I think I died a long time ago.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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