The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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