Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
