Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
