I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
