oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
