Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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