put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
