Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
