I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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