We named our party play list daddy issues
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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