At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
