i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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