3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
