my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There are leaves in my underwear?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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