Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
