Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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