so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
