I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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