I hope mine doesn't look like that
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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