I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
