On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
