you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
