tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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