I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
