Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He shit in the fireplace
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