The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have feelings that need drinking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
