Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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