don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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