Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
