Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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