accomplished twins. life is a go
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
