ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
